NOTES: When a Man Loves a Woman

I am trying something a little new tonight. I am posting what I hope will become a sort of online notebook about random but related things I have been considering, but have made no firm conlusions about yet. Feel free to post any responses you might have, and help me clear my head a little.

I have done quite a bit of soul-searching lately on the war of the sexes, relationships, marriage, and getting along with people of the opposite sex. I have observed the different, and very intricately convoluted "rule" book in Korea for dating, and made some tentative comparisons in my mind with how our culture perceives the connection between man and woman. Tonight, here are some of my observations of Korea:

1. In the subway, I note many young couples who seem to have an unusually sensitive connection to each other. They communicate without speaking and without excessive displays of PDA. The young man often stands face to face with the young woman, with his arms above or below her head, braced. As Westerners, we would find this a gross invasion of personal space, but I appreciate the intentions of the young men I have seen. As the subway rocks (or sometimes jerks) back and forth, the young man provides a sort of safety brace for the lady with his arms. They stand mere inches apart, but do not usually touch. I observe these attentive young men gazing down with a mix of awe and protectiveness at their demure lady friends. The women seldom look up, but when they do, the couple's eyes meet and a secret communion commences. I always wonder what they are saying to each other in their minds. It is a beautiful sight to see, how the man protects and cherishes the woman he adores, and it makes me ache and long for a man to love, honor, protect, and cherish me in the same way. So what happens to cause item number 2?

2. The infidelity rate in Korea is astronomically high. The cult of the business world demands excessive drinking, smoking, and visiting of hostess bars. Noraebong (a sort of group karaoke bar with private rooms) thrive along side the ubiquitous double barberpole "barber shops" where, I am told, you receive a wash and haircut for BOTH heads, as well as some extra manual services which I will leave to those with fertile imaginations...

On the other hand, some of the middle-aged housewives I have encountered scare ME. We know what happens to the men, as "man" is biologically wired to chase and sniff at anything that will let him, but what happens to the women? Those demure, sweet, and attractive girls turn into bulldozing, rude, and fashionably-challenged AJUMAS. It is like they give up at some point. Although childbirth certainly contributes, Korean families are not very large, so something else is at work here. There is some cultural link I am trying to piece together here, but cannot place it yet.

3. The "Cherished Woman": I hear many younger Korean women docily accept rather harsh criticism from their significant others. One particularly attractive and slim thirtysomething I know, was constantly told by her boyfriend that she was fat. Specifically, he objected to her muscular calves (her hobby is sports). I taught her a nice American phrase for the next time he criticized her, and she dutifully wrote down "shove it up your arse," giggling delightedly. Of course, she will never use it, but I am certain she will think it now and again...

Another woman I spoke to talked about a boyfriend who only liked "parts" of her body, but not the whole thing. She said she kept thinking "What about the rest of me?"

This wise woman talked some sense into me. Also a thirtysomething, she said it was worthwhile to wait until God sends a man who will treat her as a "cherished woman." This does not mean he tries to boss her around, or become overprotective, as Korean men tend to do. This means that a man cherishes what he has, and does not try and change her to fit his definitions of what a woman should be. Submissiveness, contrary to what has been said, is not a useful quality in a woman. Support and nurturing, insofar as individual women possess it, is all that is required of a Godly woman.

RANT: AN INTERLUDE
So-called Christian men tend to forget this. Barefoot and Pregnant wives are of no use to anybody. Nor, for that matter, are dictatorial, overbearing husbands. The Man is Law has no place in a society where women MUST work in order to help support a family. This in itself is a way of offering support to her life-mate. In many cases, however, it has gone way too far.

The "submissive woman" myth has done more damage to society that anything I can think of. For one thing, it created "femi-nazi-ism." While it is well and good that women declared their freedom in the late 1950s, the arc swung a bit too wide, and in doing so smashed into some absolutes of human nature.

First of all, give anyone an inch, and they will take a mile. This has perverted itself into women who boss their husbands around, overorganize their offspring's lives, run businesses, and find themselves mysteriously burned-out at thirty-five. The men take this golden opportunity to ignore their offspring and ignore their wives. They become vegetative couch slugs after 5 p.m., who, after years of a wife taking care of every little detail, cannot even conceive of why their wives resent their lazy ways. Men do not naturally appreciate anything, and the new brand of feminism fuels the fire of chauvenism, rather than quenches it.The men then trade in the burned-out old model for a newer one. Divorce soars, no one is happy, and no one gets what they want.

You see, in spite of what current American culture would like us to believe, "men and women is different." Underlying all of the prevalent feminism is a great fear, a fear of letting someone else share our lives. The fear runs in both sexes, but I think women fear loss of control more. Notice I did not say men should run our lives, ladies. I know myself well, and know I could never take an order from a man unless a) he consulted me first and b) he let me know why he wants me to do it. Do otherwise, and i would probably laugh in his face! This is not feminism, this is logic. Likewise, I would never ask something of a man unless I a) consulted him first and b) told him why I think it is a good idea. This is a more logical and balanced way of looking at things. This is sharing a life, as it should be.

The old ways, as represented in Korean culture, and the new ways, as in American culture, have both proven themselves faulty. What the fundamental link is, I do not know. There needs to be a balance of some kind.